because what is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is

sometimes you love me,

sometimes you don't.

x haze

i can tell from your eyes you’ve never been to the riverside

Dear Diary, I haven't been feeling really good lately. I feel I have let a lot of people down and now there's really not enough space for apologies. I simply do not know how to react with these changes, my changes, I mean. I am after all growing, and while bones brittle and more and more holes are existing from my insides, I try not to loosen my grip around things that make me full. Except, maybe, yesterday, when he went & I stayed. I regret everything.

Every single thing.

My to-read list:

• The Thorn Birds by Colleen McCullough
• A Wild Sheep Chase by H. Murakami
• The Catcher in The Rye by J.D. Salinger
• The Distant Hours by Kate Morton
• The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

Hopefully, I get my feelings intact soon.

Yesterday, I felt so happy to see you. A feeling that is, maybe, a little too much for my tiny heart to contain. I could not decide whether or not to hold you, or to embrace, or to kiss. But I know now, I should never hesitate.

x hze

your eyes, your eyes, your eyes, your eyes, tonight could bring a dead deer back to life. and i'm a dead deer tonight.

I want to hold you like this forever.

x

HAZE TO YAN: You know when you walk into that place and you feel calm as if nothing scares you? Your tears fall but you know everything is okay because you are in a beautiful place. You are safe. You are happy. I want to be that place for you.

It seems that we are both tangled up in this complicated fate. Back then, I already knew that life was falling apart. I am pretty much convinced that being tough was the only way to survive and so I built up walls instead of bridges. When I met you, or rather, when you found me, you gave me a reason to hold on to a chance... that maybe if I just learn to think of holding instead of continuously hanging till I'm tired, life would be easier. For you, I am so much more than a broken part of a bicycle that needed fixing. For me, you are something I cannot let go.

Part 1: 
He collected all my heartaches and knitted them into a scarf. Along with broken promises and scattered memories, forgotten dreams, forced laughter and smiles, and hidden tears. It turned out, well would you believe it, Beautiful.

I never thought that bad things, when tied together, can be beautiful too.

Part 2:
She likes sitting down, frog-legged, next to his feet and looking up so she can see his lashes. She loves it even more and wonders how the sun rays embrace it, and when the wind touches them gently. She's always too jealous, but she lets it go this time. He's hers, he told her, I'm yours forever.

boy i love.

I cried when I saw your tears. Your voice ached and you didn't understand.

Last night I realized how beautiful and perfect this thing that we have 

that I tried to ruin. I'm so sorry if I'm being too repetitive at times, but darlings, I've never felt so weak. He put a string around my wrist and held the other end..

"in this way, you won't get lost."

  h o p e ~ by yiruma

p.s. I'm happy he didn't let go that day.

but nothing is unbeautiful...

Over thinking.
And I guess you already know that I am sinking.
Ian held me a little too tight this afternoon, and I could barely breathe. I like the feeling of being breathless. Heart pounds heavily, beating 1000 times per minute whilst tiny blood vessels tighten, and there's heat all over despite the cold. Where do I exist now? Tell me I am not fading, because right now, I'm quite enjoying our existence. your existence.

*

Long trip tomorrow. Be right back on Sunday. Take care darlings!

x haze

I turn to you.
I always turn to you.
In the future, I know that I will still.

And the river wasn't deep.

It feels strange.
It feels like my heart has been bewitched.
and you're to blame.
It keeps on floating.

It wasn't deep.

And I lost control.
I'm losing control.
Can't stop losing control.

You sailed.

And you told me,
"I miss you. I miss you"
it was only yesterday,



I keep falling
and you keep mending
Don't you ever get tired, dear?
(Please don't.)

You keep sewing holes in my heart.
Tears fall out of nowhere and you just keep on wiping,
Pale cheeks that was once tinted with roses,
why?

Don't you ever get scared?
They told me brokenness is contagious.
And your beauty doesn't deserve it.
I need you to stay fixed.
Stay fixed for me.

Yesterday was like a fairytale-ish kind of dream, oh boy, I couldn't believe it after so many days. Heavy, heavy heart but brave, brave soul. I was happy. I was breathing.


Note: I keep waiting for something to happen xx h a z e

\

enjoy!

My heart reaches home.

I am so lucky he has the habit of holding everything for my sake. It makes me feel secured. Oh. Security. The way the very meaning of that word means so much to me and the fact that he knows me too well... Sometimes I get frightened, thoughts and 'what if's'. I'm always the same.

Last night. April 13, Friday: Dear Diary, I spent the entire evening staring at the stars next to his shadow. He smiled and I started singing Cranberries' songs. Ha! Everything was completely enchanting. I just wish you knew!

xx haze

for eternity

My letters start being real
the moment you read them.
without you,
it's just a collection of words
scribbled & painted.
holding no meaning. Useless.
I fear that someday
some of them will quietly fade away
be forgotten
alongside those emotions
that were once and will always
be a part of my existence.
But you, your beautiful soul,
promised eternity.
And I, with all my heart,
promises the same.

*

[ via ]

I've been spending too much time with myself and feeling happy about it. If it's only because of the weather, then I would gladly press my heart on it for awhile and maybe a little longer. For this moment may be gone tomorrow, but the memory of it will be tattooed on my skin forever.

I hope you are all having a wonderful day. Smell the flowers, sweet things. 

We all deserve to be happy.

1st december, 2011

It's december darling, the beginning of this year's ending. I smiled by the sound of your laugh and whispered i love you as you flew away with my heart inside your pocket and everything else.

"I dreamt that I could paint you with words, but there were no colors bright enough, black or white enough, blue or green enough…they didn’t mean enough."

Do you know this? Do you even know this?

*

Everything is moving too fast. I'm lost in time and it doesn't feel okay at all. I wish I could hold on to the days, feel every thing that's coming along, absorb every memories and laughter even though I don't create much  anymore. I am nothing more than a box of broken things, forgotten and rusted. And my only wish is that I could be more... more to you.

(Title quote by: Mos Def)

xx haze

"Sometimes I wish I wasn’t as conscious as I am. It would be so much easier."

Today was overly thick eyeliners and roses made of papers. I watched the letters in the torn out petal pages silently forming your name. It made me think of you, the one and only thing I've been trying to avoid since morning.

xx haze