The stars are still far too closed to each other.

The nights are still too cold to want and let go memories. And I'm thinking that if I am to be given a chance to go back, you know, travel back in time, I will never choose the day that I lost you. Maybe the day before that, when we talked over the phone, or the Christmas before that and you gave me little Candy. I told you three times that only girls with baby hair were allowed to play dolls like that, and you smiled and I swear I could have memorized your eyes if only I wasn't too busy running away from everything.

No, I cannot remember your eyes.
I cannot remember anything anymore. But I can't let go of you.

your eyes, your eyes, your eyes, your eyes, tonight could bring a dead deer back to life. and i'm a dead deer tonight.

I want to hold you like this forever.

x

It has been raining non-stop. The days only include grey skies and secrets. Standing behind the window while watching the world go by. I keep wondering why waiting always seem so endless, humans look so helpless ~ and yet, little girls continue to hope and boys never give up dreaming. 

My friend asked me, 'what's wrong?'

I sighed and smiled at the phone and she felt it, 'nothing' i uttered.

'what a terrible liar'

and i continued to smile.

Is it okay if I search for you when I’m afraid? You told me once that you will stay and I still hang on to that promise. Grandpa used to tell me heroic stories when I was little, and oftentimes he mentioned the word bravery, and friendship, and faith. He made me swear to keep my eyes open at all times, “don’t be afraid, my little one…” and I was his little one. His eyes shone under the endless skies, and I would never forget how tired they always were. “Never forget the things that make you happy and you will never be alone, my little one.” 

So, is it okay if I search for you when I’m afraid? Bravery, I know nothing of. Friendship is one thing and faith is maybe all I have. You told me once that you will stay, and it was a happy memory (at least to me…) and I never once forgotten the color of your eyes, from that day onwards.

xx

p.s. but I only want to be a poem...

This weekend consisted of three things: grandma, the crescent, and the sea. 9 hours of road trip, and three days away from home seems like the easiest way to loosen up. It was like a rebirth, maybe it really was.

My days have traveled on and now I'm lost in reveries (it's not really a bad feeling).

Hello dreamers, drifters, and stardust collectors. How was your day? Did you like my new header? I am the cat, I'm an animagus.

♥ haze

My heart reaches home.

I am so lucky he has the habit of holding everything for my sake. It makes me feel secured. Oh. Security. The way the very meaning of that word means so much to me and the fact that he knows me too well... Sometimes I get frightened, thoughts and 'what if's'. I'm always the same.

Last night. April 13, Friday: Dear Diary, I spent the entire evening staring at the stars next to his shadow. He smiled and I started singing Cranberries' songs. Ha! Everything was completely enchanting. I just wish you knew!

xx haze

Wednesday evening. My brother made a stew ("imagine it was a rabbit stew" he told us) and pretended we were friends of Frodo, three lost hobbits looking for trails that could bring us back home. Re-discovered that same night that happiness can be found anywhere, just anywhere as long as you're in the presence of your loved ones. "You are not alone".

Friday. Ian made me really happy and smiling the whole day. I felt I was living in a very fairy tale-ish dream. Nothing can ever stop us -- not even the sea.

Saturday. Chocolate + Strawberry cupcakes. Drawing. Listening to my late uncle's favorite song, on repeat, until I finally feel his presence again. 

All images from Tumblr and also, here is my listography page. 

I still don't know how it works but, still. :)

------ haze

time turner

He gave me a pocket watch as a constant reminder of how much time passes. For me, time is something no one can change. You cannot bring back what's lost. You cannot go back, you can only move forward while you reminisce about the past. It is a symbol, the gravity that holds people, reality, and history together. 

I imagine myself floating back to the time when everything was perfect. But it was too long ago. I'm afraid that if I closed my eyes too tight for too long, I might never find my way back. I might not want to go back.

Before the end of last year, I decided to just let it be. To wait until every thing returns to normal, until wounds won't hurt anymore, until my heart starts beating (again) because of happiness and not only because it has to. Life has given me so much pain and I guess it's time to learn from them. It will never be easy, but I hope you will stay with me till I'm strong enough to tell you 'it's alright'.

"It's dark now and I am very tired. I love you, always. Time is nothing."

- Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler's Wife

♡ haze ♡

1st december, 2011

It's december darling, the beginning of this year's ending. I smiled by the sound of your laugh and whispered i love you as you flew away with my heart inside your pocket and everything else.