These are the days when I miss you the most and I'm trying not to. And I fear that you might think I am ready to forget. No, not now, not ever. My love will always be bigger than my pain. And you, you, my dear, will forever be my most favorite memory.

Hello. Long time no see, again, my dearests.

- h

I don't think I could ever un-remember. How the two of us walked at 5 am to bathe in the sea, and how those woods looked as if the faeries have danced around them. Do you still remember everything? How I liked your handwriting, and your broken watches, and that necklace you gave me. How you told stories about elven kings and May rains. I miss you. If only girls could keep minds, I'd take yours just so I could hold everything you have loved, and held, and kept close. 

I don't think I could ever un-love. In my dreams you still breathe, now how can I forget? I know that this pain will be in my heart forever.

The flower is for you. 

and history books forgot about us

grandma passed away.




:'(

so let it out and let it in, hey Jude, begin

It seems I have forgotten how to live in colors. I have always been surrounded with things that are almost in black or white, and maybe grey, at least that is how I perceive them to be. Covered in isolation and thoughts I could never figure how to remove entirely. I am an astronaut lost in the wide universe still looking for Lyra.

Diary excerpts.

Thursday. Went to the town again, the one that lies beside the sea – this time with Yan. My grandmother has thinned since I last saw her, but she was far more happy and excited than she did on Christmas. I don’t know if anyone could ever understand, but my heart! The days went on too fast and she seems to have disfigured how to track them altogether. So now when I talk to her, I tell her which days of the week we are currently living or what phase the moon is at night.

Friday. Still sea sick. The church rang its bells in the afternoon and when the house was silent, we sneaked out and waited for the songs. If I haven’t been too keen at pushing old friends away, it would have been such a beautiful day. I saw my mother’s eyes tracing my steps when I tried to hide. It is sad, to find you are noticed when you want nothing at all but to disappear.

Saturday. We found horses & I realized we aren't so alone - at least not anymore.

Diary Excerpts

March 28th

The smell of grandma’s newly laundered curtains reminded me of home, and what have used to, and of childhood days long gone but never to forget. That night, I stood at the very same spot that we’ve, once, sat upon. Every single thing has changed, even the hand that I hold, but the stars didn't  

Blue. Yellow. Orange. White. And I thought of grandpa.

March 30th

My heart was singing. We sailed on a wide sea with our little wooden boat. I pretended to be a captain, but only in my mind, and felt less smaller and more brave. Sometimes the waves went on too big and excited and splashed us on the face, but I didn’t mind. I’m sure it was just saying hello, and that ‘you are here, with me, now’. 

Also met: a starfish, a shy water snake, some tiny jellyfishes, and something with many thorns. I almost convinced myself that I was one too, you know, the way it wanted to protect itself from others, so me! 

April 11th, around 7

Saw a shooting star but was too mesmerized to make a wish. You held me too close and every thing was magic.

Is it okay if I search for you when I’m afraid? You told me once that you will stay and I still hang on to that promise. Grandpa used to tell me heroic stories when I was little, and oftentimes he mentioned the word bravery, and friendship, and faith. He made me swear to keep my eyes open at all times, “don’t be afraid, my little one…” and I was his little one. His eyes shone under the endless skies, and I would never forget how tired they always were. “Never forget the things that make you happy and you will never be alone, my little one.” 

So, is it okay if I search for you when I’m afraid? Bravery, I know nothing of. Friendship is one thing and faith is maybe all I have. You told me once that you will stay, and it was a happy memory (at least to me…) and I never once forgotten the color of your eyes, from that day onwards.

xx

p.s. but I only want to be a poem...

This weekend consisted of three things: grandma, the crescent, and the sea. 9 hours of road trip, and three days away from home seems like the easiest way to loosen up. It was like a rebirth, maybe it really was.

My days have traveled on and now I'm lost in reveries (it's not really a bad feeling).

Hello dreamers, drifters, and stardust collectors. How was your day? Did you like my new header? I am the cat, I'm an animagus.

♥ haze

A letter to an old friend.

You may not know this but every time I think of you, I think of home. My tears tell me how great my love was/is/will always be for you and I haven't got the slightest idea if you've spent even a single night fathoming about this. I need you to remember, darling, how happy we were. I need you to tell me you haven't forgotten.

Have you forgotten, darling? Sitting outside, in what felt like, the darkest part of the world (for me, for you), watching the orb grow brighter every night. Waiting for shooting stars so we could get another wish. Wishing I'd be with you on your adventures and you told me "perhaps, when you're older" and oh, if I only knew.

You spoke of bravery and taught me to be brave and I've always taken those things for granted. I thought I'd never have to need them. I thought you'd always be here. I thought you'd always be here to hold my hand. My coward heart. So weak. So vulnerable. Innocence -- no, FEAR kept me blinded. I never saw it coming. I never thought I could lose you when I have held you in my heart for so long.

I was hurt and I ached and I ache till now. But my tears tell me how much I still love you and yearn for you and need you. 

I've been told hundred of times to stop living in memories, but we were so happy there I couldn't let go. Night spent looking were childish, foolish, nonsensical & unsteady, but the loveliest even. Always and forever. Always and for all of eternity.

*I want to be 6 forever. You were my Peter Pan. Still you are.

❀

For my grandfather.

Someone told me I can hold precious things in my heart.

You know it is where you'll always belong.

(small update: i had a fight with ian last week and it kept me in a very bad mood. but everything's well now :) except for the weather! ! ! the heat is killing me. i think i may die of heat stroke if this continues!!)

x haze x