These are the days when I miss you the most and I'm trying not to. And I fear that you might think I am ready to forget. No, not now, not ever. My love will always be bigger than my pain. And you, you, my dear, will forever be my most favorite memory.

Hello. Long time no see, again, my dearests.

- h

because what is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is

sometimes you love me,

sometimes you don't.

x haze

I felt it shelter to speak to you.

We are floating in a seemingly endless sea. But it is always so tranquil wherever you are, and wherever I am when I’m with you. Warm air. Breathing fogs. Dragonflies. Silent understandings. Interlocking fingers. One hundred months, darling, and still so many more to go.

Tuesday has been beautiful, and all of a sudden, everything was pleasant. 

(Title quote from letters of Emily Dickinson, January 1878)

i can tell from your eyes you’ve never been to the riverside

Dear Diary, I haven't been feeling really good lately. I feel I have let a lot of people down and now there's really not enough space for apologies. I simply do not know how to react with these changes, my changes, I mean. I am after all growing, and while bones brittle and more and more holes are existing from my insides, I try not to loosen my grip around things that make me full. Except, maybe, yesterday, when he went & I stayed. I regret everything.

Every single thing.

My to-read list:

• The Thorn Birds by Colleen McCullough
• A Wild Sheep Chase by H. Murakami
• The Catcher in The Rye by J.D. Salinger
• The Distant Hours by Kate Morton
• The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

Hopefully, I get my feelings intact soon.

the month trembled like a butterfly

* * *

Today, I'm exactly where I want. 

Right here, I tried to build up my own personal doll house.

I like waking up every morning with the sunlight gently touching my face,

and the singing of the birds simply means, "hello, good morning!"

I like that wherever I look, it feels that there are hundreds of poetry waiting

to be written. I want to find them, and paint, and maybe turn some into

oceans, and into seas, and into skies.

I fear you close by; I love you far away.

{ childhood }

It has been quiet this week, oh and I must tell, restless. The weather seems to settle down a bit, and the world is calmer. I am calmer, my chest - the color of ocean blue and everlasting greens, floating and never wanting to touch ground again. Step by step, I am learning to let go. Don’t mock me when my lunar heart says: someday soon, my love, 'things are going to hurt less'. And so I wait.

*

I feel the need to write more often, but I'm afraid of how little time I

can only take from my pocket. I wish you all the best.

Thank you for being here.

Yours,

Haze x

Yesterday, I felt so happy to see you. A feeling that is, maybe, a little too much for my tiny heart to contain. I could not decide whether or not to hold you, or to embrace, or to kiss. But I know now, I should never hesitate.

x hze

stay, stay, stay

There were once days when things seemed lighter, and me, braver. Lying in the fields at four in the afternoon alongside three of the most wonderful people in the planet, people I swore I wouldn't leave but I did. Girls who let me function in class, and in the whole world, and let me realize dreams, and appreciate poetry, and old songs, and me. Telling stories that were often nonsensical and full of self-made vocabulary and wild laughters and time that seemed to never end. But it did, eventually. The wishing flower seeds have flown, the mimosa leaves have slept, and little girls with orange skin and imaginary kitten whiskers have grown. 

I have changed and I wouldn't want to know how much more I am going to, since I cannot stop anyway. Can I ever? Stop time for even this time. All I really do want to do right now is be the best I can ever possibly be and laugh and Live, live, live. Fly, fly, fly.

I am often surprised with the way these skies are changing, and seem fuller every time. Sometimes when I look up, I start to understand things I didn't (before), and I sigh knowing that right there, I have grown once more. The idea is so self-challenging and to be exact, hopeful, that if, that is, I searched and grew bigger and bigger with each days I wander, setting two feet on the ground and maybe floating with gargantuan dreams and possibilities held tight in my chest, I may finally find my place here in the world. And I won't get lost any more.

July. Darling don't rush. 

It often feels like this, even if I lost track hundred of times, even if I stay asleep a little longer.. it is always running, and never stopping. Don't you think it's time now? Don't you, love? 

It has been raining a lot here, and it is raining inside me. But maybe in a good way. I feel alive, and happy and so I am learning to hold on to this feeling like it's the only thing that matters. Rain, rain, don't go away, come back again another day ! 

- my favorite ♥ -

So most days include lots of coffee, lots of reading, and more incomplete sentences... raw emotions, quiet thoughts, and happiness scattered, and closing eyes as if hearing the little boy rajah whispered: “I shall live forever, and ever, and ever!” and I think I shall too! And I think I like magic more than anything in this world! And I think I'm starting to like things again, I think I am getting better everyday. 

 * * * 

* I like warm hands * I like wild roses *
* I like sewing the boy's initials in a white handkerchief  *
 * I have an orange skin * I have hair that can cover my eyes *
* I am currently obsessed with Aerosmith's “Crazy” (totally wonderful song!) *
* I adore girls that can keep secrets * I can keep secrets too *
* I love the rain * I am going to be a teacher soon! * I am in love! *

Thank you Miss Shelly Ellis for the Liebster Blog Award!

My first days of March were tiring and I wish there was a way to slow down my thoughts... leave them on ink-stained pillow case, or sew inside a lacy pocket purse. I am so, so afraid of losing.

-h

The stars are still far too closed to each other.

The nights are still too cold to want and let go memories. And I'm thinking that if I am to be given a chance to go back, you know, travel back in time, I will never choose the day that I lost you. Maybe the day before that, when we talked over the phone, or the Christmas before that and you gave me little Candy. I told you three times that only girls with baby hair were allowed to play dolls like that, and you smiled and I swear I could have memorized your eyes if only I wasn't too busy running away from everything.

No, I cannot remember your eyes.
I cannot remember anything anymore. But I can't let go of you.

But why were you there, in my dream last night?

I like what this place has turned into. I know it isn't much, but I kinda like the linen texture and the clock header (from a past layout). It keeps me in a calm, dreamy state of mind. I know that sooner or later I may have to change it again, but I'd really like for it to describe what I'm feeling at the moment. When everything seems like an almost faltering memory, and every emotion is felt in the most sensitive manner, and being fragile doesn't mean being 'destructible' or vulnerable or weak for the first time, but something that is beautiful and wonderful and sincere. I want you all to know this because this is the only thing that I care for right now. I cannot lose what I already have, and I cannot have what I've already lost.

It has been a hard two weeks. But everything is going back to normal again, or at least, i want to pretend it would be. Maybe this is how I got through all these years, playing pretend & ignoring bad things & only holding on to good memories.x

sometimes i hate you.

like today.

i hated you today.

It has been raining non-stop. The days only include grey skies and secrets. Standing behind the window while watching the world go by. I keep wondering why waiting always seem so endless, humans look so helpless ~ and yet, little girls continue to hope and boys never give up dreaming. 

My friend asked me, 'what's wrong?'

I sighed and smiled at the phone and she felt it, 'nothing' i uttered.

'what a terrible liar'

and i continued to smile.

Is it okay if I search for you when I’m afraid? You told me once that you will stay and I still hang on to that promise. Grandpa used to tell me heroic stories when I was little, and oftentimes he mentioned the word bravery, and friendship, and faith. He made me swear to keep my eyes open at all times, “don’t be afraid, my little one…” and I was his little one. His eyes shone under the endless skies, and I would never forget how tired they always were. “Never forget the things that make you happy and you will never be alone, my little one.” 

So, is it okay if I search for you when I’m afraid? Bravery, I know nothing of. Friendship is one thing and faith is maybe all I have. You told me once that you will stay, and it was a happy memory (at least to me…) and I never once forgotten the color of your eyes, from that day onwards.

xx

Currently reading ‘Kafka on the Shore’ by Haruki Murakami, had it downloaded to my phone by my brother from ebook (he can be really wonderful at times if he want to, you know — my brother) and now, most of my hours are spent lying on the futons and getting lost with this poor old man in his own little world, feeling a bit overwhelmed at times, and holding back tears (not from sadness, but by the simple realization that people can really be put in a situation where being helpless isn’t something you can or can’t choose, that sometimes it is the only thing you can be and you need to accept it and be positive instead, be tough, be strong and survive. I want to be like this old man, that despite his lack of education, he possesses many things many people don’t. That despite being poor, he is happy and contented. And despite being alone, he doesn’t feel lonely.

"but darling, you are never that far from being happy..." that's what she told me.

Hello, I need someone to hold my pieces back together 

because to be seriously honest, I am now too tired to carry on.

xx haze

but nothing is unbeautiful...

Over thinking.
And I guess you already know that I am sinking.
Ian held me a little too tight this afternoon, and I could barely breathe. I like the feeling of being breathless. Heart pounds heavily, beating 1000 times per minute whilst tiny blood vessels tighten, and there's heat all over despite the cold. Where do I exist now? Tell me I am not fading, because right now, I'm quite enjoying our existence. your existence.

*

Long trip tomorrow. Be right back on Sunday. Take care darlings!

x haze